[There was no judgement, just as he expected from Theon. However much he hated him for his betrayal, there was a need for the brother he had known. It was no different to how he turned to his mother in the more difficult moments, still a boy at heart.]
I looked to numb the pain of what happened and drank more than I should. [Which apparently was still his plan for tonight.] I met a woman and went to her bed.
[His hand gripped the glass, blood rushing from his knuckles. He could imagine Jeyne's face if she heard of it and the pain that would be there. He could picture the judgement of his family and men. Gods, he fell lower than his father might hope.]
It's what I did when I heard about Bran and Rickon. Maybe I was searching for my wife in this? [But that seemed like nothing more than an excuse.] I became everything father hated.
[ Theon lets Robb talk and he just listens as he drinks. Robb knows more than anyone what Theon had just tho feel about fidelity and all that but he knew the Starks. He was part Stark, Ned his real father. He just wasn't even a fraction of someone who deserved it. ]
Maybe, in this place, you should look at it as a different life... Sansa always insists that it is... that we can leave things behind... That we are allowed to find comfort and happiness here. [ Theon's not good at that, though, always insisting he doesn't deserve it. His fingers grip the glass tighter. ]
I didn't kill them... I couldn't... But Rickon died in battle by a terrible... monster... [ Why is it still so hard to speak ill of Ramsay? ] But I do not think it was painful... and I died trying to save Bran in Winterfell.
That's as much a betrayal to her as what I did. [Sansa pushes for him to think of this as a new life, but with life being such a strange concept to him at all, he can't move forward. Time pulling him from the moment he died, it made it all less real and Jeyne more and more dead. Moving on, accepting and setting it aside didn't feel the right sort of punishment for his mistakes, but he had no better answers for himself.
Only wallowing in guilt.] Comfort, maybe. Happiness? That's assuming it's deserved.
[It's more hopeful of Theon than he expected, but he doesn't question or dig into the source of these thoughts. He mentioned Sansa and Robb knew what her views of this place were.
Hearing about Rickon gutted him. Sansa said Bran lived, but Rickon, he hadn't asked. Robb poured himself another drink, trying to push away his emotions before they suffocated him.]
Maybe... I guess I’m not one to argue the point. Sansa and I disagree on
what I deserve to have here. But she won’t let it alone if you don’t try
and you know how annoyingly persistent she has always been. [
apparently, they are both more alike in some ways than either might think
at the moment.
The question makes Theon shift and he finishes off the rest of his glass in
one go and reaches to refill it, looking more unsettled and he returns to
grip the glass so his fingers wouldn’t shake. ]
Ramsay. As if he hadn’t already done the Starks enough harm. How Rickon
died is merciful for being at the hands of him. He could have kept him
alive instead.
I don't know if I want forgiveness. [Not after all the mistakes he made and the cost. He could understand Theon with that. His utter defeat at seeing Robb and how willing he was to be punished. As much as it angered Robb and deflated his sense of justice, he understood that the same thought was inside of him.
He deserved to be miserable and punished. He had been a terrible king, a terrible son and now an even worse husband. What else should there be but some form of punishment and guilt? Sansa could be persistent, but Stark brooding was strong in Robb.]
I shouldn't have trusted the Boltons. Roose was playing me for a fool all along.
[ There’s a ghost of Theon’s old smile at that comment. ]
Are you sure that you don’t want it? Or do you think you don’t deserve it?
[ All of Robb’s failures and shortcomings truly paled in
comparison’s to Theon’s but Robb is also a better man so he is sure they
cut deeper in their way. ]
Ramsay was really the mastermind of that family.
[ Theon gets up then, drinking more and pacing. If he sat still he’d
fidget further, Robb might see better the fact he is not handling the
Boltons coming up very well — it was his own fault though. ]
Roose didn’t live all that long... you are lucky you did not have to see
what was done to Winterfell.
Why not both? If I want it, it makes it all too easy. Jeyne and my mother suffered, my men suffered. Wanting it and getting it so quickly makes their deaths so small. It feels like I should suffer for longer for them.
[He was too much of his father's son. He felt his failures sharply and wanted to carry them for his life.]
No, I don't think so. Ramsay was cruel, from what I heard, but cruelty isn't always brilliance. Roose Bolton played both me and my father for fools, Ramsay was always what he was.
[ Theon finally set the glass down his hands balling into fist. There's so much that Robb doesn't know. He sank down into the chair once more. ]
I would not lie to you about Ramsay. He was a mastermind and he was cruel. You cannot imagine how cruel that he was but thanks to him I have given more than a pound of flesh for my deeds. He is also the one who killed Roose and then Sansa killed him.
[Yes he did, but he's not going to admit the truth. It would push to relieve him of guilt too soon and too easily.]
There is no justice. [Which annoyed him to no end.] Roose's death, your punishment. There is no satisfaction it and no vengeance. It's just ash compared to what happened.
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no subject
I looked to numb the pain of what happened and drank more than I should. [Which apparently was still his plan for tonight.] I met a woman and went to her bed.
[His hand gripped the glass, blood rushing from his knuckles. He could imagine Jeyne's face if she heard of it and the pain that would be there. He could picture the judgement of his family and men. Gods, he fell lower than his father might hope.]
It's what I did when I heard about Bran and Rickon. Maybe I was searching for my wife in this? [But that seemed like nothing more than an excuse.] I became everything father hated.
no subject
Maybe, in this place, you should look at it as a different life... Sansa always insists that it is... that we can leave things behind... That we are allowed to find comfort and happiness here. [ Theon's not good at that, though, always insisting he doesn't deserve it. His fingers grip the glass tighter. ]
I didn't kill them... I couldn't... But Rickon died in battle by a terrible... monster... [ Why is it still so hard to speak ill of Ramsay? ] But I do not think it was painful... and I died trying to save Bran in Winterfell.
[ More so he died to give Arya the chance. ]
no subject
Only wallowing in guilt.] Comfort, maybe. Happiness? That's assuming it's deserved.
[It's more hopeful of Theon than he expected, but he doesn't question or dig into the source of these thoughts. He mentioned Sansa and Robb knew what her views of this place were.
Hearing about Rickon gutted him. Sansa said Bran lived, but Rickon, he hadn't asked. Robb poured himself another drink, trying to push away his emotions before they suffocated him.]
One of the Boltons?
no subject
Maybe... I guess I’m not one to argue the point. Sansa and I disagree on what I deserve to have here. But she won’t let it alone if you don’t try and you know how annoyingly persistent she has always been. [ apparently, they are both more alike in some ways than either might think at the moment.
The question makes Theon shift and he finishes off the rest of his glass in one go and reaches to refill it, looking more unsettled and he returns to grip the glass so his fingers wouldn’t shake. ]
Ramsay. As if he hadn’t already done the Starks enough harm. How Rickon died is merciful for being at the hands of him. He could have kept him alive instead.
no subject
He deserved to be miserable and punished. He had been a terrible king, a terrible son and now an even worse husband. What else should there be but some form of punishment and guilt? Sansa could be persistent, but Stark brooding was strong in Robb.]
I shouldn't have trusted the Boltons. Roose was playing me for a fool all along.
no subject
[ There’s a ghost of Theon’s old smile at that comment. ]
Are you sure that you don’t want it? Or do you think you don’t deserve it?
[ All of Robb’s failures and shortcomings truly paled in comparison’s to Theon’s but Robb is also a better man so he is sure they cut deeper in their way. ]
Ramsay was really the mastermind of that family.
[ Theon gets up then, drinking more and pacing. If he sat still he’d fidget further, Robb might see better the fact he is not handling the Boltons coming up very well — it was his own fault though. ]
Roose didn’t live all that long... you are lucky you did not have to see what was done to Winterfell.
[ What was done to Sansa. ]
no subject
[He was too much of his father's son. He felt his failures sharply and wanted to carry them for his life.]
No, I don't think so. Ramsay was cruel, from what I heard, but cruelty isn't always brilliance. Roose Bolton played both me and my father for fools, Ramsay was always what he was.
[He could at least feel some comfort.]
Who killed him?
no subject
[ Theon finally set the glass down his hands balling into fist. There's so much that Robb doesn't know. He sank down into the chair once more. ]
I would not lie to you about Ramsay. He was a mastermind and he was cruel. You cannot imagine how cruel that he was but thanks to him I have given more than a pound of flesh for my deeds. He is also the one who killed Roose and then Sansa killed him.
no subject
[Yes he did, but he's not going to admit the truth. It would push to relieve him of guilt too soon and too easily.]
There is no justice. [Which annoyed him to no end.] Roose's death, your punishment. There is no satisfaction it and no vengeance. It's just ash compared to what happened.